


Well, I Hope He Likes Mexican

by DropshipAlpha



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Universe - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, But fun assholes, Fourth Wall Breaking, If cats could talk and tell you how ugly you are, M/M, Maybe underage i dunno yet, Runaway AU, Tags will be added as the fic progresses, The boxes are assholes, Theyre like cats, Warnings for abuse obvi, Wouldnt be a deadpool fic without it, theres gonna be sex, uhhh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-06-01 14:58:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6524887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DropshipAlpha/pseuds/DropshipAlpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter is a runaway who's trying to escape his abusive foster family. Wade just picked him up in hopes of getting some good karma.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Well, I Hope He Likes Mexican

**Author's Note:**

> Yellow box is bolded and italicized. White box is just bolded.

It's cold as balls outside. 

 

Well, maybe not Wade's balls. His are nice and toasty underneath his jeans and boxer briefs (they just hug in all the right places). His face, however, is a completely different story. His nose is so cold that it feels like if he rubbed it too hard it would snap right off. 

 

**_Haha, then we'd look like voldemort!_ **

 

**Please, Voldemort is much better looking than us.**

 

**_Especially Tom Riddle. Talk about a dream boat._ **

 

Wade tugs the hood closer to the edges of his face. It's times like these that he really wishes he had his mask on, but for more reasons than just the cold. He's a pretty intimidating guy with his face covered, but when it's on display he might as well be a walking monster with the way people stare in revulsion. Not that he isn't, but you know. At least there aren't a lot of people on the street. Even the homeless that usually litter the sidewalks have found someplace to scatter off to. Which is also good because he hates it when they beg for his money and he accidentally makes eye contact with them. Usually after that they don't want his money anyway, but it's still awkward as hell.

 

Speaking of the homeless…

 

**_Look at how scrawny that kid is! He can't be any older than eighteen._ **

 

**Is he just wearing a sweater? He can't be comfortable.**

 

Said kid is huddled on a park bench in the fetal position, arms wrapped around his legs and face buried in his knees. Every few seconds a violent tremor runs through his body as he braces himself against the cold. In the position he's in, he's hardly even taking up one third of the bench, even if he has placed himself smack dab in the middle.

 

Wade's about to walk past him and continue his trek home, but the kid lets out a shuddering breath that sounds all choked up and for some reason it has Wade stopping in front of the bench, scanning his eyes along the kid’s figure.

 

“Ummmmmmm… are you okay, kid?”

 

He lifts his head to look at Wade and what little light there is from the street lamp reflects in his glasses so Wade can't see his eyes, but it does nothing to hide the wet trails along his cheeks. His hair is all touseled, and it may have been cute if he just wasn't so dirty and skinny and just plain homeless looking. 

 

“I'm fine,” the kid croaks.

 

**_Wow, he should really take some acting classes. That was less convincing than the dog monsters in the Hunger Games._ **

 

“Are you sure? Because let me tell you, there are starving kids in Africa that look happier to be alive than you do right now.”

 

The kid takes a deep steadying breath before saying, now with more conviction, “Yes.”

 

Now, Wade's not a good person by far. He kills people for a living. Enjoys it too. But he can't bring himself to keep walking. The kid obviously needs some help, because it's so cold those tears might just freeze to his face. And his karma has sucked donkey balls so far, so maybe if he feeds this kid, and gives him a place to sleep (no matter how messy and unsafe that place may be) then maybe karma will help him out just once. Maybe he'll meet a girl or a guy or anyone really who doesn't mind his face (or the rest of him for that matter) and he can get some for the first time in years. It'd be nice to finally have a date other than his right hand.

 

**Wishful thinking.**

 

And if the kid says no, maybe he'll just get brownie points for trying. Oh well, Wade hopes he likes Mexican.

 

“Oh, don't worry, I believe you. But you see, there's this taco place I was gonna hit up before I went home, and I really hate having loose change jingling in my pocket. I always forget about it and I heard somewhere that you can break a washer by putting stuff like that through there. So what do you say you tag along with me and let me use up everything in my pocket, and if you decide you can tolerate me for more than a hot second, you can crash on my couch?”

 

He's fully expecting the kid to say no, at least if he's smart. Wade is six feet tall and all muscle. Not to mention he has his hood pulled up over his face, and his hands shoved in his pockets. He basically screams the word “threatening” or “bank robber” or “homicidal maniac” or just a ton of other names. None of them good. Especially not since half of them are actually accurate. But to his surprise the kid actually seems to be thinking about it.

 

“I mean, you don't have to say yes, of course. For all you know I could be some human trafficker. The worst people are the ones who seem the nicest, you know? Like in that movie, The Stepfather. Is that what it was called? You know, the one where that guy gets married to widowed women or whatever and then once they start to trust him he just flat out murders them all. I don't know how he got away with that, his germs and fingerprints had to have been all over those houses. Did the cops even take fingerprints or DNA or anything at all? Because if not that's just bad police work. If he was a registered citizen then they would have caught him in no time at all. Was he a registered citizen? I remember he was white, but he could have been Canadian. But wouldn't he have showed up in some database anyway unless he was from some third world country where they don't have databases? Actually, no. On second thought he couldn't have been Canadian. Didn't he eat that liquified sticky diarrhea garbage you guys call maple syrup? I'm telling you, that stuff is an abomination. An abomination against God, even. Actually I think I'm thinking of a different movie. Wait, what was I talking about before?”

 

The kid is still just staring at him.

 

**Well, at least he didn't tell us to shut up.**

 

“Oh, yeah. I remember now. So, what do you say? You down for tacos with a potential step-dad-family-murderer-guy?”

 

**_Yeah, right. There's no way you'd get a woman, especially one with kids, to trust and like you enough to marry you and let you kill her._ **

 

He’s about to tell Yellow to shut it, but before he can snap out the words the kid finally answers.

 

“I… okay.”

 

**Wait, what?**

 

“Just a second, kid. I think I have to get an earwax extraction soon because I thought I just heard you say yes.”

 

The kid starts to unfold his body from its uncomfortable position and sit up a little bit and the effort it takes almost makes Wade cringe.

 

“I did.”

 

Wade laughs. “Wow, okay. To be honest, I wasn't really expecting you to say yes, so you're either really stupid or you have a reason not to be afraid of me. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I'm ripped. I could snap you in half and shove you in a duffle bag. Maybe you're actually the serial killer, and I should be afraid of you. Are you gonna call your people and have them jump me as soon as my back is turned? Is this all a ruse to play on people's emotions to lure them into your trap? I'm gonna tell you right now, you're gonna have to cover it up preeeetty well, because I'm super popular and shit. Yeah, definitely. There will be people looking for me everywhere. The FBI. SWAT teams. I'm practically a freaking celebrity!”

 

**_You're as bad a liar as he is!_ **

 

Wade wants to hold out a hand to help the kid to his feet, but this is the first person who has willingly been in his company in years, and he doesn't want to blow it by grossing him out with his mottled hands. 

 

It turns out he doesn't need to though, because the kid gets to his feet just fine and actually snorts a small laugh at Wade's ramblings, and for once it doesn't feel like he's making fun of Wade.

 

“I'm no David Harris, if that's what you're asking.”

 

They both start walking along the path, their shadows sliding across the ground in unison as they pass streetlight after streetlight.

 

“Is that his name? Wow I can't believe you remember that. You must really like bad movies, huh? I mean, not that I'm judging or anything. If you can't sit down and ironically enjoy Troll 2 then you just ain't human, you know?”

 

The kid hums and nods his head but doesn’t respond other than that. Though Wade can't be annoying him, at least if the small, amused smile on his face was anything to tell by.

 

“Hey, what's your name, bee tee dubs? The writer's getting kinda tired of calling you ‘kid’ all the time.”

 

He glances sideways at Wade with a raised eyebrow. “What?”

 

“Never mind. What's your name? What do I call you? Como te llama? To whom do I owe the pleasure?”

 

The confused expression disappears from the kid's face and he goes back to looking down at the ground in front of him, hands also shoved in the pockets of his jeans.

 

“My name is Peter.”

 

“Ahhh Peter. That's like Peter Dinklage.Hey, speaking of, have you ever seen Game of Thrones? I mean that show is freaking great and everything but did you know that most of the characters are like, fourteen and twelve years old? Like Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen. Do tthey just ignore that in the show, or am I going to hell for jacking it to her amazing rack? I mean, I'm already going to hell for a lot of other things, you know? But maybe I should keep the sinnin’ to a minimum so I can at least glean a little bit of mercy when the rapture comes around.”

 

**Because getting off to the breasts of an adult actor playing a character that's a minor is really something you should be worrying about while doing your line of work.**

 

“I think they ignore the ages of the book characters in the show. Or it's just another case of casting older actors to play teenagers.”

 

“Wow, you said more than one sentence! It must be Christmas!”

 

Peter shakes his head and snorts another little laugh. It makes the unruly wisps of hair shift around his head and Wade hasn't really been looking at Peter much during their walk so far, but he definitely should have been because he's actually sort of cute.

 

**_Sort of? He's a total twink! Imagine having those legs wrapped around your shoulders. Mmmm, yeah~_ **

 

Peter's mostly been walking with his shoulders hunched and head forward, but he actually looks at Wade to say, “You didn't tell me your name.”

 

They're about to pass under a streetlight so Wade turns his head back to look at his feet, mirroring how Peter has been walking the entire time.

 

“Wade Wilson. The one and only, baby!”

 

There's a lull in the conversation after that, and Wade isn't quite sure how to fill it. He wants to ask why Peter is on the streets, because his clothes were probably nice and expensive before they got all dirty and torn. But for some reason that seems like crossing a line and he doesn't want to lose Peter's company.

 

It's strange, though. Usually Wade doesn't really give a rat’s ass about how he makes other people feel. He didn't earn the name Merc with a Mouth for no reason, after all. And even though he still doesn't have much of a filter put in place while talking to Peter, he's still stopping to think about what he should say next, rather than just going for what he wants to say. It makes him uncomfortable to think about, so instead he just stops and continues to try and think up something else to say to break the awkward silence surrounding them.

 

It turns out that he doesn't have to think too long, because the taco place is in sight and he wastes no time pointing that out to Peter.

 

“There it is, Peter. The best tacos this side of the border. And by the border I mean the Mexico border, duh. Not the Canadian border. Though both borders are just fine, even if it's hell to try and get through them with weapons. You gotta flash a ton of permits and that's just inconvenient. I got places to be and people to do see, ya know? Just let me through. Besides they don't even hardly look at them at all. I could just bring a ton of fake ones and they probably wouldn't even blink. I actually did that before, just to test it out. They'll take anything as long as it looks fancy and government-like.”

 

“Why would you need to get weapons across the border?”

 

“Ummm, because weapons are awesome, excuse you.”

 

**Wow, great save.**

 

Wade steps in front of Peter and holds the glass door of the Mexican fast food place open, bowing and gesturing inside with his free arm. 

 

“After yooou~”

 

________________

 

Their dinner is surprisingly very nice. Peter had been hesitant at first, only ordering a single taco for himself, but with Wade's goading he ended up ordering a few tacos and a burrito. Wade, of course, goes all out and orders enough food for an army that he fully intends to eat by himselfand in one sitting. 

 

They don't eat inside the place, and instead settle down on the curb outside, the hot steam keeping their faces warm with each bite. Wade naturally talks Peter's ear off and Peter politely offers input at pauses or whenever Wade asks him a question and even a few sarcastic retorts that has Wade laughing like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard. He doesn't even remember half the things he talks about, instead just choosing to say whatever comes to mind, as per usual. They go from movies to animals that shouldn't be animals to the sad death of 2-D animation in Disney movies and a ton of other things he couldn't be assed to think about for more than the few seconds he talks about them. Peter never tells Wade to shut up.

 

But eventually the food runs out and they're both throwing their wrappers in the trash. Wade faces Peter but pointedly doesn't look at his face, instead choosing to pretend to study the buildings around them. “So, what's the verdict, Petey Pie? Would you rather go back to that park bench or tag along with me again? I mean, that bench looked awfully comfy and even if my couch doesn't quite live up to it, my apartment is dry and has, you know, heat. But if you don't want to that's totally cool. But let me tell you, I have the entire collection of Disney movies and all of the Golden Girls series on DVD and I don't have anywhere to be tomorrow so if you wanna blast the TV that's totally cool. I mean, not to brag or anything but I know all the songs from every Disney musical. Even Frozen! So if you do decide to blast the TV then I don't know if I'm gonna be able to help myself. But then again you don't have to. That's also totally cool.”

 

**_Smooth as sandpaper._ **

 

He doesn't really expect Peter to say yes. It's a long shot and he knows it, especially since he's already admitted to owning multiple weapons. Also, there's no doubt that Peter's caught multiple glances at his skin. Even though Petter is skinny and dirty he's still attractive. Guys like that just don't associate with guys like Wade. 

 

But apparently Peter is full of surprises because the kid is actually nodding when Wade steals a glance at his face.

 

“That sounds good, actually.”

 

Wade almost squeals like a girl at a One Direction concert. “Really?!”

 

“Yeah. I mean, I don't see why not. You're not gonna pull a David Harris on me right?” He's smiling with teeth that look like they came straight from a toothpaste ad as he says it and Wade swears his brain short circuits for a full minute.

 

“Oh, Petey, I wouldn't dream of it~”

**Author's Note:**

> 'Sup beauties? Yeah yeah I know, I'm a real piece of shit. I have two other unfinished works I need to tend to and instead I upload an entirely new one. But hey, don't throw me to the wolves just yet. This fic will definitely be finished soon, I won't leave this one abandoned. It's a gift to a friend for her birthday and I made it so I'm her writing slave. She can tell me to write a chapter whenever and I'll bust one out. So, yes! Expect weekly updates! Hopefully
> 
> But anyway, critiques are always ALWAYS appreciated. I'm always trying to improve so please, tell me what you liked, what you disliked, all that jazz and I will literally cream my pants in excitement!
> 
> Thanks for reading and I'll see you next update!


End file.
